God Anoints Who He Appoints

Some nights I lie in bed wide awake with random aches and pains migrating through my body. I can't seem to determine if it's the pain that keeps me up or the thoughts that run through my mind. Sometimes I am at peace as I lie awake and other times fear creeps in. Very often I try to figure out the pattern of the migrating pain so I can prepare myself but I've yet to be able to. It's moments like these when the choice is mine, to choose Jesus or to choose fear. Experiencing these illnesses definitely causes fear if I try to examine it without looking through the cross. Viewing life through the pair of eyes Jesus provides through his words is one of the sweetest gifts we have in him. What I see happening as I dig into his word is God entrusting me with more responsibilities... more hearts to sow into. 

Just this last week I was questioning "why"... whining to God about how useless I felt. That moment is when God decided to prove that this sickness is not about me. It's not a punishment and it's not because I deserve it. It came with the purpose of reaching broken and hurting people! The moment I questioned, God provided a connection with a lady on Instagram whose step-daughter is very sick with POTS. She didn't know what to do and she turned to me. My calling was clear again. God has given sickness as a gift to further equip my vessel for sharing Christ. That's what this is about. 

Psalm 18:1-3 "I love you, Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I called to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I have been saved from my enemies." 

Psalm 3:3-6 "But you, Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high. I call out to the Lord, and he answers me from his holy mountain. I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me. I will not fear though tens of thousands assail me on every side." 

An update: Big praise- I have been able to keep down more solid foods on a regular basis! Thank you Jesus! I still experience excruciating stomach pain, but hope remains. These past few days particularly have been hard for me. I'm very tired and my body aches. When I am experiencing a low such as this, the battle between Netflix and time with Jesus is too real! I continue to ask for prayer over my body, mind, and soul. I have started a new treatment protocol to kill off some bacteria which is making me feel sick for the time being. I am thankful there is hope of it helping though! As Spoonies (people with chronic illness) say- I'm all out of spoons today. 

My desire is to not waste this time, but to make the most of it. God anoints whomever he appoints, time and time again, without fail. My eyes are open as I look to the future. My family and I have hope and are leaning on Jesus. Appointments with my gastroenterologist, cardiologist, and neurologist are approaching and I am trying to wait patiently as the time passes by. I am slightly sad to not get to join in on all the traditional thanksgiving foods this year, but I'm sure we'll make my approved foods as tasty as could be! I can't wait to see what all God has in store between this thanksgiving and next. But for this thanksgiving I give thanks for how far God has brought me and give thanks in advance for what is to come.

Chronically Thankful

Blogging about the Lord is much more interesting than writing health updates, however some of you have asked so here it goes. There is reason to think that my current autoimmune illnesses are linked to when I broke the C2 vertebrae in my neck (damage to the autonomic nervous system). When it happened I was 15 years old and didn’t think about the implications of the injury as much as I thought of how ugly the neck brace was. I had it in the back of my mind that I was a lucky girl to not be paralyzed but I shoved those thoughts aside. I am a few months away from the anniversary of the accident and it hit me like a truck yesterday how very blessed I am. That break could have caused so much more damage than it did. It could have damaged the central nervous system and I could have never walked again or even died. So thanksgiving is the mind frame in which I write about these current struggles.

Though I was diagnosed with dysautonomia (POTS) at age 11 it did not impact my daily life all that much until freshman year of college. Trauma to the head and spine have proven to make POTS worsen for people like me. Through scoliosis, broken coccyx, concussions, and broken neck it is understandable that my health has been so effected. We have been discovering that my health problems go deeper than just POTS. There are many people, including my sweet cousin Moriah, who have seen my same cardiologist for POTS and have experienced improvements. I have not fainted in going on a month now and that is a big improvement. But the level of my day to day ability to function is still low. There were things that we were attributing to POTS that the POTS treatment is not fixing so we are still on the quest for answers.

My cardiologist mentioned a while back that I am on the threshold of Ehlers Danlos Syndrom (EDS). Through tracking my symptoms, I do not believe he would say that I am only on the threshold anymore. I am not sure I want another label put on me though. I struggle mightily with chronic fatigue and pain. But it’s nothing a smile can’t hide, right? One of the main things that originally got us pursuing doctors was the pain I would experience after meals. I cut out gluten and random foods that I knew would cause a reaction but years later there has not been full success. In fact, I need more prayer than ever right now because I am at the point where my stomach is so sick of food that I am not only experiencing pain but I am often not keeping food down at all. Through lots of research and collaborating with a friend who is on the same struggle bus, I have started a low histamine diet. It was overwhelming at first but I think I am settling in.

Juicing has been my best friend because I have the most success with keeping juices down. “Keeping it down” though often means being nauseous, breaking out in hives, dizziness, and swelling. I know this is not normal and I am definitely not settling for a life of being underweight and puking. I have a chiropractor appointment on Wednesday with a lady who has seen people for the same reasons and who has had success in the treatment. There is also a highly esteemed doctor in Sugarland who specializes in degenerative and autoimmune diseases. It is hard to get in to see him. The praise is that I got an appointment, the prayer is that they will be able to move that appointment up sooner than April 25, 2017 at 2:30.

Life with an invisible illness is easy to hide when people only see you when you’re at your best. In the same day someone will say “you look amazing I’m so glad you’re doing better” and another will say “oh darling you don’t look so good today.” The latter is easier to believe because that’s how I feel beneath the smile and makeup, but the first is what I long to be true. I have many prayers and praises and I often repent for various sarcastic, mental comments. But the most consistent of prayers is that my security will not lie within this body- I have it for only a time. We are wired for life and eating is apart of that process. When my stomach is in jabbing pain but is essentially empty and when I am hungry but throw up after a few bites it is easy to idolize food. I want this momentary hunger and pain to serve as a reminder of the hunger I should have for God’s Word and the fervent way I should seek him. And yes, I do believe this is just momentary and only but a mist of time.

How truly thankful I am that my life did not end up the way it could have and that it didn’t turn out how I had planned. His plan is always better. This journey he has me on has benefitted my heart and has allowed me to empathize with so many. Anything that Satan intends for harm God can and will use for good if only you surrender. I believe there is healing in my future, but I pray that when I get there I will never forget what this time was like and always walk in humility toward Christ. “We ought always to give thanks to God for you, brothers, as is right, because your faith is growing abundantly, and the love of every one of you for one another is increasing. Therefore we ourselves boast about you in the churches of God for your steadfastness and faith in all your persecutions and in the afflictions that you are enduring.” 2 Thessalonians 1:3-4

1 Peter 3:4

Well friends, I learned a very valuable lesson on Sunday when my internet spazzed out and I lost all but a few sentences of the post I have been working on… ouch! From now on I will write offline and copy it to the blog when I am ready to post. Needless to say though, I was slightly upset by the loss. Maybe I’ll attempt to tackle the subject again but for the time being I am setting it aside. 

I ran across 1 Peter 3:4 this morning in my notes and it has been nagging at my heart since... “But let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.” I have found it hard to let my adorning come from what is on the inside rather than trying to make my adorning be what is on the outside. I often trick myself away from what I know to be true and start pressuring myself into making sure I am acceptably outwardly adorned. Every girl has her insecurities and I know that my outwardly focused basis of insecurity distracts me from the first place beauty begins. Beauty begins deep down where only God sees, in the caverns of our hearts. What's in your caverns? 

Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. If your mind is anything like mine, you are tucking this into your “I’ve heard this before” file. I did this too when the thought first came to me. The more I thought about it though the more I realized how deep the meaning of this is. Sometimes the things we say seem lovely and look like they’re reflecting a beautifully gentle heart. But are they? Or are they a cover for the rottenness in our hearts, like an “easier said than done” thing? Claps for you if you’ve never been guilty of saying Jesus things in order to cover up where your heart truly is. My conviction in this is that, considering that Jesus looks at the heart, using a righteous cover up is as bad as not covering it up at all because the heart is still in the same condition.

We can only cover up rottenness for so long before the heart truly explodes through the mouth. And that, my friends, is not lovely. 1 Peter 3:4 is a call to focus on making your soul beautiful. Satan is the father of lies and that’s why it is crucial to put on the belt the truth (Ephesians 6) to gird yourself against him. So don’t make it up, make it real and make it who you are. Letting your adorning be from the beauty of your heart means giving God the reigns. The heart of your soul adorns you one way or another so let’s be adorned in gentle, quiet beauty. The moment you begin to see how beautiful Christ is in you is the moment your outwardly focused insecurities seem to fade away as well. Satan does not deserve to win through our lies of covering up our Jesus-less-ness with made up Jesus-ness, so I encourage you to dive into Jesus so much so that the true adorning is of Him… no exaggerations.

I'm A Very Blessed Mess

"Create in me a clean heart, oh God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit." Psalm 51:10-12. 

I love this passage deeply because of the complete rawness in which it is written. The requests in this scripture are righteous requests and he prays these things in faithful anticipation of God's response. David presented these righteous requests after committing really large sins... The kind of sins that make people say "well at least I'm not like that guy." He came broken and dirty before God his Father fully knowing the weight of his sins; even still, he came. In faith he asked for a fresh start. In God's eyes he was just like you and just like me. His sins are not greater and our sins are not smaller. We can rest assured that we are just as dirty and just as in need of grace as David! 

Sometimes I am not fully open and honest with God about the desires of my heart because I feel unworthy of His time and attention. I have realized recently that regardless of whether I feel worthy or not, He is there for just that. I have struggled with asking God to heal me from this chronic illness that I really don't like. I don't live a restful, non-independent life because I want to. I don't pop pills because it makes me beautiful. I don't go to the ER because I think the doctors are cute. No, if you ask me what I'd change about my life I could come up with a list of things I would rather be doing and places I would rather be going. But if I pray for healing am I not being content with where God has brought me? I want to bloom where God has planted me and He, for some crazy reason, has planted me here. 

Instead of ignoring the subject of healing or doing the opposite by begging for it everyday, I have been encouraged to pray fervently that the desires of my heart would match the desires of His and then to lay my current desires at His feet knowing He is faithful. I don't believe God has brought me this far to stop the forward motion here. I believe there are better days ahead and I pray in anticipation of His faithfulness over my life. There has been a lot of joy through this time but there has been a good amount of emotional pain as well. Some things would have happened whether I had POTS or not, but I can't help but wonder where I would be without it. Would I be living at home or off at a university or in another country? Would I be single?? Would I be unemployed? Would I even love Jesus as much as I do right now? I know that God gives me just what I need for the day to make the most of it for His glory. I can't uproot myself- trust me I've tried. All I can do is listen to the Master Gardener and soak up His 'Son'shine. 

My mind and heart are messy.... And so is my hair for most days. Reading through David's Psalms makes me realize how very much I can relate to David. Have you ever noticed how he goes from all out joyous praising to basically mournful whining at what seems like the drop of a hat? I am glad David was so openly messy! Despite his messiness he was considered a man after God's own heart. Have you ever heard that country song that says "Hide your crazy and start actin' like a lady"? Well, I'm just going to say that you need to hide your crazy about as badly as a fish needs a bicycle. There is not a woman I admire more than a woman who can be perfectly real in her messiness. I will never forget this one time when I was 12 years old seeing a mom at church pull a black, rotting, banana peel out of her purse. This moment made a solid mark in my life! She didn't hide it, she threw it away out in the open where people could see her messiness. To this day, I think of her and that forgotten banana peel every time I feel like I need to have it all together in order to be socially acceptable. 

I want to live a life of faith with a heart of anticipation like David. God is not done with me yet nor is He done with you. So do not lose heart and do not stop asking, seeking, and knocking. He is faithful to mend devastated hearts, faithful to give rest to the weary, and faithful to see every work He has started through to completion. Sometimes He says yes, sometimes He says no, and sometimes He says to wait. But He never says not to ask and will never make Himself off-limits. I find that to be really comforting. David inspires me to ask God to create in me a clean heart- but how treasured it makes me feel that He loves me still in the midst of my messiness! 

Oh, for goodness sake

I recently changed the background for the lock screen on my phone to a cute little picture I found on Pinterest. It is a simple drawing with the fruits of the Spirit listed inside a green outline of a pear. I know the verse and basically every Sunday school song about it by heart. But just when I think I have learned all I can learn from a section of scripture, His breath comes alive through those same ol' words yet again. The fruits of the Spirit are things that, when we take advantage of our access to them, bring us closer to God because God is all those things. They are how we reach freedom in Christ. Right in the middle of the pear, the word goodness is bolded. This gave me pause the other day while we drove to visit my grandpa in the hospital. I was in a really bad mood at the time so my first reaction was to roll my eyes and think "Psh, really God? Goodness?" (Please note that this was before I had had my coffee). Anytime I give a reaction like that, I can be sure that conviction is quickly coming.

That morning I felt so emotionally raw and weak. I was upset because I felt like I could not handle another day of pain, but yet another day with pain was faithful to come. I was exhausted from trying to fix things, and asking God to fix things, that were clearly outside of my control. The unchangeable fact that I am not in control has been the one thing God keeps having to teach me because I keep forgetting. As I have grown up the situations have grown more complex and I can't fix things in life as easily as I could apply tape to a ripped piece of friend's artwork in middle school. And figuring things out has gotten a lot harder than figuring out the maze printed on the happy meal bag. As I examined my current life the first word that came to mind was definitely not "goodness" and if it had been it would have been as an exclamation. But as I sat there I realized (yet again) that goodness is not only found in pleasurable things. Goodness is found in any situation that brings glory to God. When we allow Him to stand and fight for us through the sorrows in addition to through the joys, His name is glorified.

It is beyond difficult to completely surrender our hardships and hurts to God especially when we do not want to let go. Often times though, the things we hold on to are the things that keep hurting us. I waited so long to share about my illness with POTS because I was stuck in denial, trying to hold on to the health I could no longer have. The harder I tried to hold on the more heartache and bitterness I caused myself. There are days, when the physical pain and fatigue are so much and situations in life are not what I would have chosen in a million years, when I tell God that I simply can't be strong anymore. When I first noticed the word goodness on my phone background, I was having one of those days. Only I was being a complete toddler, kicking my feet and whining "GoOod I don't wanna be strong no more!" 

When God brings things to my attention and I immediately reject it, it is certain that He is trying to teach me something. All the other fruits of the Spirit made sense to me.... but goodness just didn't. Let me tell you friends, God is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, and He is goodness. When nothing else seems good, He is good. It seems like this one word, right in the middle, is the cornerstone for all the rest. If you give the heartache, the bitterness, the losses, the painful rejection, and all else to Him, then He is the good thing in all of the difficulties. He is the good thing in you. He is the good thing in me. He is the goodness in your sudden singleness, your prolonged singleness, your marriage, your relationships, your family, and your workplace. He is the goodness in your heartache and physical pain. Surrendering to Him the things that hurt and the things we do not understand shows a strength that we cannot muster on our own. It allows Him to be our joy, our self-control, our peace, our patience, and most of all our goodness. 

A love beyond our doubt

Lately I have been thinking about all the changes that tend to take place during the ages of 18-25, which is the current age of the millennials. A lot happens during this time. High school graduation, moving off to college, being on your own, choosing a major that will follow you for the rest of your life, college graduation and then the start of your career. Not to mention possibly falling in love and taking the next step to marriage or even being left by the one person you imagined you would love your whole life. Think back to long ago and far away, jr. high was such an awkward time because we were trying to figure out who we were, what (who) we liked and what crowd to run with. But college is honestly much the same. It is kind of scary actually- I guess history does repeat itself.

Right now I am not attending college. My body and mind do not have the stamina to deal with that right now. I do look forward to going back, but this is a good time. I look around and see friends getting ready to leave for college. Some know what they are going to do and be and others are totally unsure. Moving out and starting a new chapter is so exciting but I see it being a huge stressor for so many. Our culture promotes moving away, a lust of wandering, and pushing beyond our limits so that nothing holds us back. These can all be good things! But what I am starting to see is that these things are creating doubt in our generation. A paralyzing fear of making the wrong decision and not fulfilling our potential or even possibly missing out on something because of the path we choose.

Our culture says to have a wandering spirit and to always search for more. While this is meant to be a motivator I think it has backfired a bit on our generation... I would say it has had an effect on the trust we should have in the plan God has for us. Sometimes His plans are unclear and that is frustrating. But I think that this "don't let anything stop you" message is catering to our paranoia that everything has the potential of stopping us or being a mistake and it is making us fearful to embrace the gifts and opportunities given to us.

God uses the people, places (colleges/workplaces), and things in our lives to shape and grow us. He uses the good and bad grades, the laughter and the tears, the health and the pain, and the love and the rejection to take us where He can use us best. It is not a thing to fear. Sure, the future is unknown and it will have its ups and downs but I truly believe that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him. Sometimes when God is quiet at the very times you wish He'd speak up, it is a call to step out in faith. Sometimes He wants to see you put your faith into action and trust that He'll catch you if you fall. And by experience I can say, He will always catch you. When you put your fear behind you and trust God with the things He has done for you, then you have passed the test. God is a good Father and a mighty warrior in our defense. He redeems our mistakes and forgives our unfaithfulness. He looks past our doubt and loves us anyways.

Seeking lovely

Since my last post a lot has happened in life emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It has been interesting to see what God is choosing to prune in my life- the things He has picked to be the challenges and encouragements in the forefront. There are a lot of challenges but a lot more praises! God is growing my confidence... but not exactly self-confidence, more of a confidence in Him. I have confidence that He will bring any good work started in me around to completion. A few days after my last post I left the book I had talked about at my bestie's house (So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore). Though she is my bestie, my ride or die, and the peanut butter to my jelly, I typically don't get to see her but every few weeks. So not having my beloved book, I was running dry on material and decided to start a Bible study with my mom and sister called "Looking for Lovely" by Annie Downs. Oh my word I couldn't have imagined better timing and sweeter intervention by Jesus! The whole focus is to find the lovely in the daily. This isn't just taking more notice of the lovely things that happen to pop in our faces, but to diligently seek it out. It is more of a life changer than I had expected.

Starting this study was in good timing because I had my last (hopefully) doctors appointment until the end of summer. I have been diligent with the sodium intake and hydration, but getting enough solid sleep has been difficult (which is increasing fatigue more than we'd like to be seeing). I am considering a sleeping aid, Lunesta- any feedback from anyone who has taken it before? Since I have been struggling with sleep and fatigue I was struggling with some anxiety over standing in my life-long friend's wedding the weekend before last. Passing out was my biggest fear, which by the way didn't happen!! I am seeing some "lovely" and God's faithfulness in that. Beyond the physical victory of making it through the wedding and the days in preparation for it, there was an emotional victory and a spiritual victory. The whole thing was encouraging and built my confidence in God even more because of this victory He gave me. It may seem small, but to me it's really big. I found "lovely" in the fact that He is and aways will keep me in His all powerful care.

Some days I get my mind in a wrench thinking about the fact that I am not yet completely better. I have many days full of tears which can make it easy to lose sight of all the good days with laughter. I sometimes become extra sad in viewing myself as incompetent and get bogged down in the fact that right now in this moment I am struggling more than I ever imagined I would be. In the short time I've been journeying to look for the lovely, I have seen a difference in this area. It has encouraged me to look past the moment of sadness in anticipation of what is to come. Feeling the fatigue but knowing it has come to pass. Being beyond exhausted after the wedding and road trip, but seeing that I did indeed make it through. Thinking of the things I can't do right now, like have a job, as something to look forward to later. For every negative thing there can often be found a few positives to counter it. In the study, we are covering how to find the lovely through sufferings. The focus is Romans 5:1-5 where it says that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance produces character, and character produces hope. I have been adding in a memory I have of Beth Moore calling it "perse'dang'verance" which cracks me up but sometimes it is totally true!

This is also a really lovely time of year with the butterflies flitting around and the baby animals that are active and playful. Mom and I drove to Austin with the kids the other day and I couldn't get over the flowers! Sunflowers are my favorite and they were plentiful, but all the other flowers were gorgeous too! We went to Krause Springs before we went home... The water was clear and glassy and the fern was so green. There is a rope swing that all the kids were jumping off of and it made me think back to all the times I have been there and done the exact same thing. My toes are painted bright pink and the little fish were nibbling on my toes, it was cute. There have been so many DreamWorks days with such gorgeous, fluffy clouds and crispy sunshine! To me these are really lovely things. I believe that God knew way before our existence, that life would be hard and we would have struggles. Even in the really really good things (relationships, family, work, kids) there are struggles. He knew that would happen. I think this is why God placed pretty days, curious animals, flowers, and lovely places around us to show us His glory and keep us looking up.