Right now I have a lot on my mind. So much in fact, I feel as if I could write a book long post about life and everything swarming my mind but the words to do so just aren't coming to me. So many things but so few words. Two main words are pounding at my heart right this very moment; thankful and blessed. This past week I camped with my family at my favorite place ever, Inks Lake. It can seem a rather ordinary place to the first-time camper. To me this place is full of memories having been there every year of my life- my family has been going for the past 22 years and I was born about 3 years into the tradition. I have a memory under every tree, at every curve of the lake, on every hiking trail, even on specific rocks through the place. Everywhere I go, a memory is there. Those of you who know me know that I have a very sentimental personality. I treasure anything, anyone, and anywhere that has been part of my life. So although Inks lake may not be special to the passerby, it is (and always will be) special to me. Being at my home away from home this week was extra special because we took the newest additions of our family there for the first time. Talk about memories!! I was happy to see them enjoying the place I hold so dear. God blessed us with some super wonderful weather that allowed for lots and lots of fun and relaxation.
This week was also a time to reexamine life. I recently received a long-awaited and pursued diagnosis of POTS which is a form of dysautonomia. This condition is difficult to explain the specifics of and trust me I've about explained my brains out. For me specifically it causes migraines, severe nausea, chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, random passing out, gastric pain, and false seizures called convulsions which I have only had one of. These things make daily life hard and to be honest, feel completely impossible some days. The cool thing about God though is that He never leaves us stranded with bad news. He has provided an amazing doctor who specializes in my condition and doesn't find me mind boggling. This doctor took time to explain that the reason they were not seeing any problems internally through the scans and procedures was because there is literally nothing visibly wrong. It is simply that my system runs differently than most people. "I am a Honda Accord so I will run with any oil, any fuel, it doesn't matter. But you are a Ferrari. You drive differently and you need special fuel and oil. So we need to figure out what it is that you need." The encouragement in this is that nothing is "wrong" with my body, but rather we just need to figure out how to make it run properly. Another encouraging factor is that I won't always be as knocked down as I am right now. The goal is to get me to a point of health that I will never be this low again. Talk about light at the end of the tunnel! The first few weeks of treatment are going well and I feel an improvement. I am so excited to continue seeking this "special fuel" for my body. As you've heard it said, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired! But not for too much longer, Lord willing.
ALSO- This week I began reading "So long insecurity you've been a bad friend to us" by Beth Moore. I have read it many many times before but I figured that it was about time to read it again. By the way, I highly recommend this book to every female in existence. Struggling with chronic fatigue is harder than one might imagine. I have a type A personality (shocker, right?) and I like everything to be 'just so'. I love being physically fit and active. I crave exploring (as long as the adventure is on the schedule). This whole POTS thing has me out of sorts. I don't like chronic fatigue- which is an understatement because I find myself frustrated and peeved at the fact that it is part of my life. Starting this book again has helped soothe the nerves I have rubbed raw in my heart, and help me accept that though I will not always be so affected by my condition, I am affected right now and that's just a fact. I can't wish it away, I can't ignore it, I have to face it to break it. So here I am taking step one to squash this insecurity I have of feeling insufficient and utterly useless for the time being. Healing the soul can lead to healing the body, especially if healing the soul will help me accept what ever I have to do to pursue physical healing.
Of course, like any female, I am having to pay close attention to the parts where she mentions, ya know, being secure in who I am and what I look like. Insecurity creeps in in the most random and seemingly insignificant ways. For me right now it's creeping in through my compression socks that I should be wearing to help keep blood flowing to my brain. They just flat look funny. I want to wear a shirt that says "NO I do not think I am walking in style right now"! But that would be too silly. In addition, the veins in my legs are more prominent because of the lack of good blood flow. I know! I am probably the only one to notice it at all. But still, insecurities can root in the most petty of ways. I laugh when I think of the insecurity I have in these two things. Funny socks and noticeable veins are so fleeting... but when I think of the insecurity I carry over feeling like there's no way I could be enough or do enough right now, it feels so real. It feels so rooted. The weed is insecurity, the soil is fear, and the water is pride. None of which are being provided by my heavenly father. Growing and pruning isn't always comfortable but I am excited to continue this book and seek Jesus- the Master Gardener! I am asking Him to plant something lovely in insecurity's place.
How thankful I am for the blessing of camping in my favorite spot (even my favorite camp site) with my growing family and for having the opportunity to reconnect with them after a looong semester of hard work! I am thankful that our home was spared during the second 500 year flood in the past two months. I am thankful for a diagnosis so that we can now pursue healing. I am blessed by the people God has surrounded me with and the way they stick by me on good days and bad. They help keep things in perspective that life is pretty darn good! I am thankful for the opportunity I have to trust God in whole new ways this season. POTS is a curveball if I ever did see one. I have moments where I have a come apart and fill with anxiety over the matter but at the end of the day, God is bigger and He is better. I have formulated a new plan for finishing college that will allow me to not have to start the rather intensive program until the end of October. Hopefully I will be able to announce that it is a for sure deal within the next few months.
"Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of the earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace."
