"Create in me a clean heart, oh God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit." Psalm 51:10-12.
Sometimes I am not fully open and honest with God about the desires of my heart because I feel unworthy of His time and attention. I have realized recently that regardless of whether I feel worthy or not, He is there for just that. I have struggled with asking God to heal me from this chronic illness that I really don't like. I don't live a restful, non-independent life because I want to. I don't pop pills because it makes me beautiful. I don't go to the ER because I think the doctors are cute. No, if you ask me what I'd change about my life I could come up with a list of things I would rather be doing and places I would rather be going. But if I pray for healing am I not being content with where God has brought me? I want to bloom where God has planted me and He, for some crazy reason, has planted me here.
Instead of ignoring the subject of healing or doing the opposite by begging for it everyday, I have been encouraged to pray fervently that the desires of my heart would match the desires of His and then to lay my current desires at His feet knowing He is faithful. I don't believe God has brought me this far to stop the forward motion here. I believe there are better days ahead and I pray in anticipation of His faithfulness over my life. There has been a lot of joy through this time but there has been a good amount of emotional pain as well. Some things would have happened whether I had POTS or not, but I can't help but wonder where I would be without it. Would I be living at home or off at a university or in another country? Would I be single?? Would I be unemployed? Would I even love Jesus as much as I do right now? I know that God gives me just what I need for the day to make the most of it for His glory. I can't uproot myself- trust me I've tried. All I can do is listen to the Master Gardener and soak up His 'Son'shine.
My mind and heart are messy.... And so is my hair for most days. Reading through David's Psalms makes me realize how very much I can relate to David. Have you ever noticed how he goes from all out joyous praising to basically mournful whining at what seems like the drop of a hat? I am glad David was so openly messy! Despite his messiness he was considered a man after God's own heart. Have you ever heard that country song that says "Hide your crazy and start actin' like a lady"? Well, I'm just going to say that you need to hide your crazy about as badly as a fish needs a bicycle. There is not a woman I admire more than a woman who can be perfectly real in her messiness. I will never forget this one time when I was 12 years old seeing a mom at church pull a black, rotting, banana peel out of her purse. This moment made a solid mark in my life! She didn't hide it, she threw it away out in the open where people could see her messiness. To this day, I think of her and that forgotten banana peel every time I feel like I need to have it all together in order to be socially acceptable.
I want to live a life of faith with a heart of anticipation like David. God is not done with me yet nor is He done with you. So do not lose heart and do not stop asking, seeking, and knocking. He is faithful to mend devastated hearts, faithful to give rest to the weary, and faithful to see every work He has started through to completion. Sometimes He says yes, sometimes He says no, and sometimes He says to wait. But He never says not to ask and will never make Himself off-limits. I find that to be really comforting. David inspires me to ask God to create in me a clean heart- but how treasured it makes me feel that He loves me still in the midst of my messiness!
