That morning I felt so emotionally raw and weak. I was upset because I felt like I could not handle another day of pain, but yet another day with pain was faithful to come. I was exhausted from trying to fix things, and asking God to fix things, that were clearly outside of my control. The unchangeable fact that I am not in control has been the one thing God keeps having to teach me because I keep forgetting. As I have grown up the situations have grown more complex and I can't fix things in life as easily as I could apply tape to a ripped piece of friend's artwork in middle school. And figuring things out has gotten a lot harder than figuring out the maze printed on the happy meal bag. As I examined my current life the first word that came to mind was definitely not "goodness" and if it had been it would have been as an exclamation. But as I sat there I realized (yet again) that goodness is not only found in pleasurable things. Goodness is found in any situation that brings glory to God. When we allow Him to stand and fight for us through the sorrows in addition to through the joys, His name is glorified.
It is beyond difficult to completely surrender our hardships and hurts to God especially when we do not want to let go. Often times though, the things we hold on to are the things that keep hurting us. I waited so long to share about my illness with POTS because I was stuck in denial, trying to hold on to the health I could no longer have. The harder I tried to hold on the more heartache and bitterness I caused myself. There are days, when the physical pain and fatigue are so much and situations in life are not what I would have chosen in a million years, when I tell God that I simply can't be strong anymore. When I first noticed the word goodness on my phone background, I was having one of those days. Only I was being a complete toddler, kicking my feet and whining "GoOod I don't wanna be strong no more!"
When God brings things to my attention and I immediately reject it, it is certain that He is trying to teach me something. All the other fruits of the Spirit made sense to me.... but goodness just didn't. Let me tell you friends, God is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, and He is goodness. When nothing else seems good, He is good. It seems like this one word, right in the middle, is the cornerstone for all the rest. If you give the heartache, the bitterness, the losses, the painful rejection, and all else to Him, then He is the good thing in all of the difficulties. He is the good thing in you. He is the good thing in me. He is the goodness in your sudden singleness, your prolonged singleness, your marriage, your relationships, your family, and your workplace. He is the goodness in your heartache and physical pain. Surrendering to Him the things that hurt and the things we do not understand shows a strength that we cannot muster on our own. It allows Him to be our joy, our self-control, our peace, our patience, and most of all our goodness.
