A love beyond our doubt

Lately I have been thinking about all the changes that tend to take place during the ages of 18-25, which is the current age of the millennials. A lot happens during this time. High school graduation, moving off to college, being on your own, choosing a major that will follow you for the rest of your life, college graduation and then the start of your career. Not to mention possibly falling in love and taking the next step to marriage or even being left by the one person you imagined you would love your whole life. Think back to long ago and far away, jr. high was such an awkward time because we were trying to figure out who we were, what (who) we liked and what crowd to run with. But college is honestly much the same. It is kind of scary actually- I guess history does repeat itself.

Right now I am not attending college. My body and mind do not have the stamina to deal with that right now. I do look forward to going back, but this is a good time. I look around and see friends getting ready to leave for college. Some know what they are going to do and be and others are totally unsure. Moving out and starting a new chapter is so exciting but I see it being a huge stressor for so many. Our culture promotes moving away, a lust of wandering, and pushing beyond our limits so that nothing holds us back. These can all be good things! But what I am starting to see is that these things are creating doubt in our generation. A paralyzing fear of making the wrong decision and not fulfilling our potential or even possibly missing out on something because of the path we choose.

Our culture says to have a wandering spirit and to always search for more. While this is meant to be a motivator I think it has backfired a bit on our generation... I would say it has had an effect on the trust we should have in the plan God has for us. Sometimes His plans are unclear and that is frustrating. But I think that this "don't let anything stop you" message is catering to our paranoia that everything has the potential of stopping us or being a mistake and it is making us fearful to embrace the gifts and opportunities given to us.

God uses the people, places (colleges/workplaces), and things in our lives to shape and grow us. He uses the good and bad grades, the laughter and the tears, the health and the pain, and the love and the rejection to take us where He can use us best. It is not a thing to fear. Sure, the future is unknown and it will have its ups and downs but I truly believe that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him. Sometimes when God is quiet at the very times you wish He'd speak up, it is a call to step out in faith. Sometimes He wants to see you put your faith into action and trust that He'll catch you if you fall. And by experience I can say, He will always catch you. When you put your fear behind you and trust God with the things He has done for you, then you have passed the test. God is a good Father and a mighty warrior in our defense. He redeems our mistakes and forgives our unfaithfulness. He looks past our doubt and loves us anyways.

Seeking lovely

Since my last post a lot has happened in life emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It has been interesting to see what God is choosing to prune in my life- the things He has picked to be the challenges and encouragements in the forefront. There are a lot of challenges but a lot more praises! God is growing my confidence... but not exactly self-confidence, more of a confidence in Him. I have confidence that He will bring any good work started in me around to completion. A few days after my last post I left the book I had talked about at my bestie's house (So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore). Though she is my bestie, my ride or die, and the peanut butter to my jelly, I typically don't get to see her but every few weeks. So not having my beloved book, I was running dry on material and decided to start a Bible study with my mom and sister called "Looking for Lovely" by Annie Downs. Oh my word I couldn't have imagined better timing and sweeter intervention by Jesus! The whole focus is to find the lovely in the daily. This isn't just taking more notice of the lovely things that happen to pop in our faces, but to diligently seek it out. It is more of a life changer than I had expected.

Starting this study was in good timing because I had my last (hopefully) doctors appointment until the end of summer. I have been diligent with the sodium intake and hydration, but getting enough solid sleep has been difficult (which is increasing fatigue more than we'd like to be seeing). I am considering a sleeping aid, Lunesta- any feedback from anyone who has taken it before? Since I have been struggling with sleep and fatigue I was struggling with some anxiety over standing in my life-long friend's wedding the weekend before last. Passing out was my biggest fear, which by the way didn't happen!! I am seeing some "lovely" and God's faithfulness in that. Beyond the physical victory of making it through the wedding and the days in preparation for it, there was an emotional victory and a spiritual victory. The whole thing was encouraging and built my confidence in God even more because of this victory He gave me. It may seem small, but to me it's really big. I found "lovely" in the fact that He is and aways will keep me in His all powerful care.

Some days I get my mind in a wrench thinking about the fact that I am not yet completely better. I have many days full of tears which can make it easy to lose sight of all the good days with laughter. I sometimes become extra sad in viewing myself as incompetent and get bogged down in the fact that right now in this moment I am struggling more than I ever imagined I would be. In the short time I've been journeying to look for the lovely, I have seen a difference in this area. It has encouraged me to look past the moment of sadness in anticipation of what is to come. Feeling the fatigue but knowing it has come to pass. Being beyond exhausted after the wedding and road trip, but seeing that I did indeed make it through. Thinking of the things I can't do right now, like have a job, as something to look forward to later. For every negative thing there can often be found a few positives to counter it. In the study, we are covering how to find the lovely through sufferings. The focus is Romans 5:1-5 where it says that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance produces character, and character produces hope. I have been adding in a memory I have of Beth Moore calling it "perse'dang'verance" which cracks me up but sometimes it is totally true!

This is also a really lovely time of year with the butterflies flitting around and the baby animals that are active and playful. Mom and I drove to Austin with the kids the other day and I couldn't get over the flowers! Sunflowers are my favorite and they were plentiful, but all the other flowers were gorgeous too! We went to Krause Springs before we went home... The water was clear and glassy and the fern was so green. There is a rope swing that all the kids were jumping off of and it made me think back to all the times I have been there and done the exact same thing. My toes are painted bright pink and the little fish were nibbling on my toes, it was cute. There have been so many DreamWorks days with such gorgeous, fluffy clouds and crispy sunshine! To me these are really lovely things. I believe that God knew way before our existence, that life would be hard and we would have struggles. Even in the really really good things (relationships, family, work, kids) there are struggles. He knew that would happen. I think this is why God placed pretty days, curious animals, flowers, and lovely places around us to show us His glory and keep us looking up.

Thankful and blessed beyond belief

Right now I have a lot on my mind. So much in fact, I feel as if I could write a book long post about life and everything swarming my mind but the words to do so just aren't coming to me. So many things but so few words. Two main words are pounding at my heart right this very moment; thankful and blessed. This past week I camped with my family at my favorite place ever, Inks Lake. It can seem a rather ordinary place to the first-time camper. To me this place is full of memories having been there every year of my life- my family has been going for the past 22 years and I was born about 3 years into the tradition. I have a memory under every tree, at every curve of the lake, on every hiking trail, even on specific rocks through the place. Everywhere I go, a memory is there. Those of you who know me know that I have a very sentimental personality. I treasure anything, anyone, and anywhere that has been part of my life. So although Inks lake may not be special to the passerby, it is (and always will be) special to me. Being at my home away from home this week was extra special because we took the newest additions of our family there for the first time. Talk about memories!! I was happy to see them enjoying the place I hold so dear. God blessed us with some super wonderful weather that allowed for lots and lots of fun and relaxation.

This week was also a time to reexamine life. I recently received a long-awaited and pursued diagnosis of POTS which is a form of dysautonomia. This condition is difficult to explain the specifics of and trust me I've about explained my brains out. For me specifically it causes migraines, severe nausea, chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, random passing out, gastric pain, and false seizures called convulsions which I have only had one of. These things make daily life hard and to be honest, feel completely impossible some days. The cool thing about God though is that He never leaves us stranded with bad news. He has provided an amazing doctor who specializes in my condition and doesn't find me mind boggling. This doctor took time to explain that the reason they were not seeing any problems internally through the scans and procedures was because there is literally nothing visibly wrong. It is simply that my system runs differently than most people. "I am a Honda Accord so I will run with any oil, any fuel, it doesn't matter. But you are a Ferrari. You drive differently and you need special fuel and oil. So we need to figure out what it is that you need." The encouragement in this is that nothing is "wrong" with my body, but rather we just need to figure out how to make it run properly. Another encouraging factor is that I won't always be as knocked down as I am right now. The goal is to get me to a point of health that I will never be this low again. Talk about light at the end of the tunnel! The first few weeks of treatment are going well and I feel an improvement. I am so excited to continue seeking this "special fuel" for my body. As you've heard it said, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired! But not for too much longer, Lord willing.

ALSO- This week I began reading "So long insecurity you've been a bad friend to us" by Beth Moore. I have read it many many times before but I figured that it was about time to read it again. By the way, I highly recommend this book to every female in existence. Struggling with chronic fatigue is harder than one might imagine. I have a type A personality (shocker, right?) and I like everything to be 'just so'. I love being physically fit and active. I crave exploring (as long as the adventure is on the schedule). This whole POTS thing has me out of sorts. I don't like chronic fatigue- which is an understatement because I find myself frustrated and peeved at the fact that it is part of my life. Starting this book again has helped soothe the nerves I have rubbed raw in my heart, and help me accept that though I will not always be so affected by my condition, I am affected right now and that's just a fact. I can't wish it away, I can't ignore it, I have to face it to break it. So here I am taking step one to squash this insecurity I have of feeling insufficient and utterly useless for the time being. Healing the soul can lead to healing the body, especially if healing the soul will help me accept what ever I have to do to pursue physical healing.

Of course, like any female, I am having to pay close attention to the parts where she mentions, ya know, being secure in who I am and what I look like. Insecurity creeps in in the most random and seemingly insignificant ways. For me right now it's creeping in through my compression socks that I should be wearing to help keep blood flowing to my brain. They just flat look funny. I want to wear a shirt that says "NO I do not think I am walking in style right now"! But that would be too silly. In addition, the veins in my legs are more prominent because of the lack of good blood flow. I know! I am probably the only one to notice it at all. But still, insecurities can root in the most petty of ways. I laugh when I think of the insecurity I have in these two things. Funny socks and noticeable veins are so fleeting... but when I think of the insecurity I carry over feeling like there's no way I could be enough or do enough right now, it feels so real. It feels so rooted. The weed is insecurity, the soil is fear, and the water is pride. None of which are being provided by my heavenly father. Growing and pruning isn't always comfortable but I am excited to continue this book and seek Jesus- the Master Gardener! I am asking Him to plant something lovely in insecurity's place.

How thankful I am for the blessing of camping in my favorite spot (even my favorite camp site) with my growing family and for having the opportunity to reconnect with them after a looong semester of hard work! I am thankful that our home was spared during the second 500 year flood in the past two months. I am thankful for a diagnosis so that we can now pursue healing. I am blessed by the people God has surrounded me with and the way they stick by me on good days and bad. They help keep things in perspective that life is pretty darn good! I am thankful for the opportunity I have to trust God in whole new ways this season. POTS is a curveball if I ever did see one. I have moments where I have a come apart and fill with anxiety over the matter but at the end of the day, God is bigger and He is better. I have formulated a new plan for finishing college that will allow me to not have to start the rather intensive program until the end of October. Hopefully I will be able to announce that it is a for sure deal within the next few months.

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of the earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace."

In the Moment

School is off with a bang! I couldn't be more excited to see what God has in store for this semester. I am a little nervous to be taking 15hrs but I know it's doable. There is a lot of pressure on these classes... It is crazy important that I make an A in each class or I don't really stand a chance for acceptance to a good PTA program. Lord, be present! This is a rather short post because I have just a few things on my mind, some areas God has been challenging me, that I want to share.

As I begin another semester I find myself wondering, why am I doing this? Why am I choosing a busy life that stresses me and stretches me? For my future of course. I need to live right now focused on my future so that I can make money, eventually get married, and live successfully. That's a really good thing to do! But the thing pressing on my mind is, why am I living right now in way that is completely focused on my future? Don't get me wrong, working on school to try to make a future for myself isn't inherently wrong... In fact it's good and a wonderful blessing. But what about now? God has given me right now, so why am I living my now so focused on then? Like I said, getting a college education isn't inherently wrong. But keep in mind, we aren't promised a future, we aren't guaranteed tomorrow. I don't want this season to be so completely about the days to come that satan distracts me from the importance of this day.

I suppose what I've been challenged with lately is, what am I doing right now, today, to advance the thing that truly matters; His kingdom? Am I loving the people around me enough to care about their future? Not their earthly future, but their eternal future. Or am I missing perfectly good opportunities to show them Jesus? It makes me sad that I daily neglect my true call in life. My ministry doesn't start when I graduate, get a job, or even when I begin PTA schooling. It starts like, last year. In other words, it's January friends, don't miss a perfectly good bonfire just because you're in your swimsuit waiting for summer to come around. God created the Spring too! So let's arm ourselves daily with the armor of God (Ephesians 6) so that we are ready to stand against the schemes of the devil (vs. 11) in every season. Stand firm in the breastplate of righteousness, shoes for readiness, shield of faith, helmet of salvation, and sword of the Spirit which is the word of God (vs. 11-17). Let's be ready for today and be present in this very moment. Working to save money or getting a college education are very good things, but it would be a shame if satan perverted this in a such a way that we lose sight of today. Today is the day that the Lord has made, let's rejoice and be glad in it. Have a blessed spring semester, friends!

Meant to live

December 2014 concluded my senior year of high school; I finished a semester early. I was faced with making a decision about what to do for the remaining Spring semester. I could start taking college classes at the community college or I could get a minimum wage job. I wasn’t feeling a clear direction towards either. The more I prayed, the more I felt God saying that I was to let this season be a season for missions. While this calling was clear, I was hesitant. I was 17 at the time completely doubting that I could possibly be effective in a spontaneous call to sow into others. Who would I serve? Who would want to listen to me? Who would let me impact their life? I prayed a prayer I will never forget- only because it was answered so immediately and clearly. “Lord- I have the Spring semester ahead of me. I think it would be wisest to go to college, but You’re saying to serve. If this is what You want, You are going to have to show me how.” No more had I said Amen when the phone rang. A lady I grew up knowing called to tell me about a need a family in our community was having. The Lord had placed me, of all people, on her heart for this opportunity. Two other unrelated people, that very same day, talked to me about filling this exact need. I knew the call was clear.

                  This precious family had a loving mother and father and 7 children. The mother had had an Amniotic Embolism during childbirth causing them to lose their 8^th child, a baby girl, and their mother to slip away in a coma. Their need was to have a weekday nanny to watch after the 7 kids. I came from a family with one boy and one girl, at the time. I had no idea what I was walking into- which I believe was God’s amazing grace. Day one, January 5th, 2015 started a 6 ½ month journey that changed my life. Seven beautiful, joyful, Jesus loving, grieving children that I got to share life with. I expected to share Jesus with them, love on them, and bless them. Boy! I was so wrong! So backwards in my thinking! I learned quickly that I was so weak, so incapable. My love was so flawed. These children showed me how to love through the thick and the thin by the way they loved on me. They showed me how to bless by being a blessing in ways they probably didn’t even intend. They showed me Jesus in ways I could have never imagined.

                  I worked there for almost a month before their mother passed away. I worked 10-14hr days 4 days a week. Each day was different than the previous. My days were filled with laundry, cooking, games, reading, laughing, crying, a whole lot of Jesus… and way too much coffee. I have never depended on Jesus so much. The kids were respectful and pretty easy for the most part, but I got so tired. I would come home and as I lay in bed some nights I would tell God, “I can’t do tomorrow.” That’s when I realized I had placed limits on my faith based on myself. Each day He gave me only the energy I needed for that exact day. I believe that was God’s way of making me depend on Him and trust Him fully. He knows me so well. He knew that if He gave me more than what I needed for that moment I would have run off with the extra and left Him behind, forgetting where I got it in the first place. The laughing and playing was physically exhausting but holding the kids daily while they grieved the loss of their mother was incredibly emotionally taxing. The time I spent there was the most exhausting, rewarding, challenging and fulfilling time of my life.

                  Almost a year later from my very first day, I find myself reflecting on those days. Every detail brings me joy. At the time, the laundry, the cooking, the disciplinary role, the frogs, and the mud tracked inside seemed forever unending. The long days that felt double what they were. It all seems so small now. As I reflect on even the simplest of tasks, like taking the trash out, I don’t find myself remembering the heavy bag or stepping over toys on my way to the dumpster, but I remember the little boys running up to me with their newest bug or invention. I remember the little girls showing me their pretty bouquets of weed flowers. They taught me to take pleasure in the little things. Rather than thumping a ladybug off my arm like it is an inconvenience in my day, to take pleasure in the fact that our God made it and take a moment to enjoy its uniqueness, then to gently blow it off and watch as it flies away.

                  I love looking back to see what God has used to shape and change me. Had I not had the experience of completely depending on Him and watching Him place His fingerprints all around me, my first semester of college would have been so different. The way I view the world around me, my family, my friends, my money, my time, would all be so different. Having had a taste of what it is like to depend on Jesus for the smallest of things has caused me to crave that kind of dependence once again. Then I realize that it isn’t only in challenging times that I should depend on Him completely, but rather in every situation, in everyday. This is how we are meant to live.