Meant to live

December 2014 concluded my senior year of high school; I finished a semester early. I was faced with making a decision about what to do for the remaining Spring semester. I could start taking college classes at the community college or I could get a minimum wage job. I wasn’t feeling a clear direction towards either. The more I prayed, the more I felt God saying that I was to let this season be a season for missions. While this calling was clear, I was hesitant. I was 17 at the time completely doubting that I could possibly be effective in a spontaneous call to sow into others. Who would I serve? Who would want to listen to me? Who would let me impact their life? I prayed a prayer I will never forget- only because it was answered so immediately and clearly. “Lord- I have the Spring semester ahead of me. I think it would be wisest to go to college, but You’re saying to serve. If this is what You want, You are going to have to show me how.” No more had I said Amen when the phone rang. A lady I grew up knowing called to tell me about a need a family in our community was having. The Lord had placed me, of all people, on her heart for this opportunity. Two other unrelated people, that very same day, talked to me about filling this exact need. I knew the call was clear.

                  This precious family had a loving mother and father and 7 children. The mother had had an Amniotic Embolism during childbirth causing them to lose their 8^th child, a baby girl, and their mother to slip away in a coma. Their need was to have a weekday nanny to watch after the 7 kids. I came from a family with one boy and one girl, at the time. I had no idea what I was walking into- which I believe was God’s amazing grace. Day one, January 5th, 2015 started a 6 ½ month journey that changed my life. Seven beautiful, joyful, Jesus loving, grieving children that I got to share life with. I expected to share Jesus with them, love on them, and bless them. Boy! I was so wrong! So backwards in my thinking! I learned quickly that I was so weak, so incapable. My love was so flawed. These children showed me how to love through the thick and the thin by the way they loved on me. They showed me how to bless by being a blessing in ways they probably didn’t even intend. They showed me Jesus in ways I could have never imagined.

                  I worked there for almost a month before their mother passed away. I worked 10-14hr days 4 days a week. Each day was different than the previous. My days were filled with laundry, cooking, games, reading, laughing, crying, a whole lot of Jesus… and way too much coffee. I have never depended on Jesus so much. The kids were respectful and pretty easy for the most part, but I got so tired. I would come home and as I lay in bed some nights I would tell God, “I can’t do tomorrow.” That’s when I realized I had placed limits on my faith based on myself. Each day He gave me only the energy I needed for that exact day. I believe that was God’s way of making me depend on Him and trust Him fully. He knows me so well. He knew that if He gave me more than what I needed for that moment I would have run off with the extra and left Him behind, forgetting where I got it in the first place. The laughing and playing was physically exhausting but holding the kids daily while they grieved the loss of their mother was incredibly emotionally taxing. The time I spent there was the most exhausting, rewarding, challenging and fulfilling time of my life.

                  Almost a year later from my very first day, I find myself reflecting on those days. Every detail brings me joy. At the time, the laundry, the cooking, the disciplinary role, the frogs, and the mud tracked inside seemed forever unending. The long days that felt double what they were. It all seems so small now. As I reflect on even the simplest of tasks, like taking the trash out, I don’t find myself remembering the heavy bag or stepping over toys on my way to the dumpster, but I remember the little boys running up to me with their newest bug or invention. I remember the little girls showing me their pretty bouquets of weed flowers. They taught me to take pleasure in the little things. Rather than thumping a ladybug off my arm like it is an inconvenience in my day, to take pleasure in the fact that our God made it and take a moment to enjoy its uniqueness, then to gently blow it off and watch as it flies away.

                  I love looking back to see what God has used to shape and change me. Had I not had the experience of completely depending on Him and watching Him place His fingerprints all around me, my first semester of college would have been so different. The way I view the world around me, my family, my friends, my money, my time, would all be so different. Having had a taste of what it is like to depend on Jesus for the smallest of things has caused me to crave that kind of dependence once again. Then I realize that it isn’t only in challenging times that I should depend on Him completely, but rather in every situation, in everyday. This is how we are meant to live.