Hope In God Alone

In Bible class the past few Sundays we have been studying John 15 where Jesus talks about being the true vine and how to grow and be fruitful as the branches. Today, as Pastor Dommer shared with us, he brought up the difference of fruit in the lives of Josiah and king Asa of Judah. The way these two men responded to suffering and conviction is directly relatable to John 15 (verses 7-11) when it talks about bearing fruit and abiding in God's love. Josiah saw his people and the corruption among their hearts and as his eyes were opened to this he repented and sought the Lord. Josiah found favor with the Lord and pursued sanctification.

In contrast you have Asa in 2 Chronicles 16 who did not turn to Christ. A seer, named Hanani, came to Asa saying that because he trusted in the king of Syria and not God, the entire Syrian army was gone. Hanani reminded Asa of when he did rely on God and in return God's hand brought victory over the Ethiopian and Libyan armies though they were equipped with greater numbers and horses with chariots.

"For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to give strong support to those whose heart is blameless toward him. You have done foolishly in this, for from now on you will have wars." 2 Chronicles 16:9

Asa was enraged and threw the seer into prison, as if that would be the solution to the mess he had made. Is that not human nature? To blame other people for the consequences of our actions? Through this conviction Asa did not turn to God nor did he through the suffering of diseases either. Instead, he sought help only from physicians. The point of looking at these scriptures is not to make you feel that if you are sick, hurting, or drowning in bills you don't have money for that you're not being a "good enough" Christian or that you have an unresolved sin causing you to suffer. Josiah took what was revealed to him and dared to look in his heart to see if there was any unrighteousness. Sometimes if we look inside ourselves rather than focusing outwardly we will find the source of the problems. Seeking sanctification is always a righteous place to start. 

Update and prayer: As I continue to ride the struggle bus with health it was refreshing to be reminded that my hope is not in doctors and lab reports. How important is it that we keep perspective of the mightiness of God and not place hope in the knowledge of doctors. Though doctors are talented individuals God is the one who is the ultimate healer- Jehovah Rapha. "Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones." Proverbs 3:7,8

As God unfolds this journey before me He does more than just navigate, He walks with me and at times I know He must be carrying me. Friday night I was taken by ambulance to Tomball Regional hospital with crushing chest pains and an inability to breathe. I went home that night in peace knowing that I did not have blockage or any other major issues. The belief is that this was an unfortunate combination of POTS and EDS. I do feel a little uneasy with not knowing exactly what caused this to happen, and it is our prayer for this to never happen again. When I say "Lord my endurance has run out" He proves that His endurance does not match mine, and continues to carry me through the fight. My calorie intake has been about 1000 a day so I am encouraged by that but continue to pray for the pain to cease. I pass out regularly but my parents and I choose not to live in fear because every time I pass out, I wake back up! 

Also please keep my dear friend Suzie in your prayers over the next six months. She left today to fulfill a calling she has in Africa. Suzie has always been one to do hard things and set a godly example as she goes. She is fearless, fierce in her love of Christ, and faithful in her friendships. While she is away let's petition on her behalf for God to continue sanctification and to be so near to her. "You open your hand; you satisfy the desire of every living thing. The Lord is righteous in all his ways and kind in all his works. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he also hears their cry and saves them. The Lord preserves all who love him, but all the wicked he will destroy. My mouth will speak the praise of the Lord, and let all flesh bless his holy name forever and ever." Psalm 145:16-21

The Lord is good you guys! He never abandons and never forsakes. His promises are as good today as they were yesterday, as they were during the reign of all of the kings (and presidents). God never fails and since God is love, God's love never fails. Whatever it is that you are going through, you can walk in confidence knowing that you are not alone. You are His treasure and a significant branch on His vine. 

It's deployment not defeat

A new year is approaching so the 2016 reminiscing has begun. Some years pass and they don’t seem very significant but this year is going down in the books. I am blessed to have been able to grow in unpredictable ways… through a mix of highs and lows, my heart has changed and Jesus has become so near. When the year started I had life scheduled out and I was ready to roll. Through sickness, losing people, gaining new people, and letting myself change from Maggie back to Margaret with every clipboard filled with medical forms, I had to let go of my precious timeline.

As I look back on 2016, I would not trade this journey for any other. Truly, this year has been the ride of my life though I was often far from content. My heart has wearied here and there and I have romanticized 2017 as if the grass gets greener on January 1st. God brought growth out of dry land and joy through pain. “He brought me out into a broad place; he rescued me, because he delighted in me.” 2 Samuel 22:20. Examining deep in the heart in preparation of 2017 I continue to pray that God will heal me only when his work through this tired body is done.

"Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession, for we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin." Hebrews 4:14-15

We serve a God who is able in every respect to sympathize with our weaknesses. He knows our limitations but more importantly he shows his strength through them. When curveballs keep coming your way it doesn’t mean you are defeated, it means you are deployed. Our weaknesses do not slip God’s mind; he knows them very well. Battling through trials sometimes feels like too much to handle, so let me confirm for you that it is. You cannot handle it which is why God will be glorified because he will handle it for you…. You have only to be still.

Photo Credit: George Holleway 

Update: This year contained lots of really good things, though in all honesty it has been exceptionally hard on my heart and body. With an expectant heart I get to say that as treacherous as this road has become, we are coming to some conclusions and embarking on new (and slightly whack) methods of treatment. My diet is very restrictive, but there are certain food items I have been able to keep down. Though pain is still an issue when I eat, I am almost back to an acceptable weight which feels pretty good (shout out to Gatorade, bacon, and macadamia nuts). I love tasty foods so the continuing lack of variety makes me a bit antsy at times.

Thanksgiving and Christmas were both difficult for me and were preceded by flares of multiple fainting episodes, nausea, pain, fibromyalgia breakout, fluid retention, and fatigue. I handled the food better on Christmas than I did on thanksgiving, so I am taking that as a sign of improvement! We have had several function tests run (one of which made me very sick for days), and the results came back fine. Which is actually a good thing because it means that we are on the right track with the medicinal treatment we are trying.

God sustained me through joining in some fun things with sweet high school friends and then to spend a night in the (below freezing) great outdoors at Garner state park…. the stars were unbelievable. My soul leaps for joy at the memories made! I have missed feeling young and adventurous! Definitely thanking God for this special pick-me-up. The God of 2017 is the same God of 2016 and the same God that ruled during the reign of King Jehoshaphat (thinking of 2 Chronicles 20:15). The souls who he has not forgotten he has not failed, and he has not forgotten a single soul.

God Anoints Who He Appoints

Some nights I lie in bed wide awake with random aches and pains migrating through my body. I can't seem to determine if it's the pain that keeps me up or the thoughts that run through my mind. Sometimes I am at peace as I lie awake and other times fear creeps in. Very often I try to figure out the pattern of the migrating pain so I can prepare myself but I've yet to be able to. It's moments like these when the choice is mine, to choose Jesus or to choose fear. Experiencing these illnesses definitely causes fear if I try to examine it without looking through the cross. Viewing life through the pair of eyes Jesus provides through his words is one of the sweetest gifts we have in him. What I see happening as I dig into his word is God entrusting me with more responsibilities... more hearts to sow into. 

Just this last week I was questioning "why"... whining to God about how useless I felt. That moment is when God decided to prove that this sickness is not about me. It's not a punishment and it's not because I deserve it. It came with the purpose of reaching broken and hurting people! The moment I questioned, God provided a connection with a lady on Instagram whose step-daughter is very sick with POTS. She didn't know what to do and she turned to me. My calling was clear again. God has given sickness as a gift to further equip my vessel for sharing Christ. That's what this is about. 

Psalm 18:1-3 "I love you, Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I called to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I have been saved from my enemies." 

Psalm 3:3-6 "But you, Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high. I call out to the Lord, and he answers me from his holy mountain. I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me. I will not fear though tens of thousands assail me on every side." 

An update: Big praise- I have been able to keep down more solid foods on a regular basis! Thank you Jesus! I still experience excruciating stomach pain, but hope remains. These past few days particularly have been hard for me. I'm very tired and my body aches. When I am experiencing a low such as this, the battle between Netflix and time with Jesus is too real! I continue to ask for prayer over my body, mind, and soul. I have started a new treatment protocol to kill off some bacteria which is making me feel sick for the time being. I am thankful there is hope of it helping though! As Spoonies (people with chronic illness) say- I'm all out of spoons today. 

My desire is to not waste this time, but to make the most of it. God anoints whomever he appoints, time and time again, without fail. My eyes are open as I look to the future. My family and I have hope and are leaning on Jesus. Appointments with my gastroenterologist, cardiologist, and neurologist are approaching and I am trying to wait patiently as the time passes by. I am slightly sad to not get to join in on all the traditional thanksgiving foods this year, but I'm sure we'll make my approved foods as tasty as could be! I can't wait to see what all God has in store between this thanksgiving and next. But for this thanksgiving I give thanks for how far God has brought me and give thanks in advance for what is to come.

Chronically Thankful

Blogging about the Lord is much more interesting than writing health updates, however some of you have asked so here it goes. There is reason to think that my current autoimmune illnesses are linked to when I broke the C2 vertebrae in my neck (damage to the autonomic nervous system). When it happened I was 15 years old and didn’t think about the implications of the injury as much as I thought of how ugly the neck brace was. I had it in the back of my mind that I was a lucky girl to not be paralyzed but I shoved those thoughts aside. I am a few months away from the anniversary of the accident and it hit me like a truck yesterday how very blessed I am. That break could have caused so much more damage than it did. It could have damaged the central nervous system and I could have never walked again or even died. So thanksgiving is the mind frame in which I write about these current struggles.

Though I was diagnosed with dysautonomia (POTS) at age 11 it did not impact my daily life all that much until freshman year of college. Trauma to the head and spine have proven to make POTS worsen for people like me. Through scoliosis, broken coccyx, concussions, and broken neck it is understandable that my health has been so effected. We have been discovering that my health problems go deeper than just POTS. There are many people, including my sweet cousin Moriah, who have seen my same cardiologist for POTS and have experienced improvements. I have not fainted in going on a month now and that is a big improvement. But the level of my day to day ability to function is still low. There were things that we were attributing to POTS that the POTS treatment is not fixing so we are still on the quest for answers.

My cardiologist mentioned a while back that I am on the threshold of Ehlers Danlos Syndrom (EDS). Through tracking my symptoms, I do not believe he would say that I am only on the threshold anymore. I am not sure I want another label put on me though. I struggle mightily with chronic fatigue and pain. But it’s nothing a smile can’t hide, right? One of the main things that originally got us pursuing doctors was the pain I would experience after meals. I cut out gluten and random foods that I knew would cause a reaction but years later there has not been full success. In fact, I need more prayer than ever right now because I am at the point where my stomach is so sick of food that I am not only experiencing pain but I am often not keeping food down at all. Through lots of research and collaborating with a friend who is on the same struggle bus, I have started a low histamine diet. It was overwhelming at first but I think I am settling in.

Juicing has been my best friend because I have the most success with keeping juices down. “Keeping it down” though often means being nauseous, breaking out in hives, dizziness, and swelling. I know this is not normal and I am definitely not settling for a life of being underweight and puking. I have a chiropractor appointment on Wednesday with a lady who has seen people for the same reasons and who has had success in the treatment. There is also a highly esteemed doctor in Sugarland who specializes in degenerative and autoimmune diseases. It is hard to get in to see him. The praise is that I got an appointment, the prayer is that they will be able to move that appointment up sooner than April 25, 2017 at 2:30.

Life with an invisible illness is easy to hide when people only see you when you’re at your best. In the same day someone will say “you look amazing I’m so glad you’re doing better” and another will say “oh darling you don’t look so good today.” The latter is easier to believe because that’s how I feel beneath the smile and makeup, but the first is what I long to be true. I have many prayers and praises and I often repent for various sarcastic, mental comments. But the most consistent of prayers is that my security will not lie within this body- I have it for only a time. We are wired for life and eating is apart of that process. When my stomach is in jabbing pain but is essentially empty and when I am hungry but throw up after a few bites it is easy to idolize food. I want this momentary hunger and pain to serve as a reminder of the hunger I should have for God’s Word and the fervent way I should seek him. And yes, I do believe this is just momentary and only but a mist of time.

How truly thankful I am that my life did not end up the way it could have and that it didn’t turn out how I had planned. His plan is always better. This journey he has me on has benefitted my heart and has allowed me to empathize with so many. Anything that Satan intends for harm God can and will use for good if only you surrender. I believe there is healing in my future, but I pray that when I get there I will never forget what this time was like and always walk in humility toward Christ. “We ought always to give thanks to God for you, brothers, as is right, because your faith is growing abundantly, and the love of every one of you for one another is increasing. Therefore we ourselves boast about you in the churches of God for your steadfastness and faith in all your persecutions and in the afflictions that you are enduring.” 2 Thessalonians 1:3-4

1 Peter 3:4

Well friends, I learned a very valuable lesson on Sunday when my internet spazzed out and I lost all but a few sentences of the post I have been working on… ouch! From now on I will write offline and copy it to the blog when I am ready to post. Needless to say though, I was slightly upset by the loss. Maybe I’ll attempt to tackle the subject again but for the time being I am setting it aside. 

I ran across 1 Peter 3:4 this morning in my notes and it has been nagging at my heart since... “But let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.” I have found it hard to let my adorning come from what is on the inside rather than trying to make my adorning be what is on the outside. I often trick myself away from what I know to be true and start pressuring myself into making sure I am acceptably outwardly adorned. Every girl has her insecurities and I know that my outwardly focused basis of insecurity distracts me from the first place beauty begins. Beauty begins deep down where only God sees, in the caverns of our hearts. What's in your caverns? 

Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. If your mind is anything like mine, you are tucking this into your “I’ve heard this before” file. I did this too when the thought first came to me. The more I thought about it though the more I realized how deep the meaning of this is. Sometimes the things we say seem lovely and look like they’re reflecting a beautifully gentle heart. But are they? Or are they a cover for the rottenness in our hearts, like an “easier said than done” thing? Claps for you if you’ve never been guilty of saying Jesus things in order to cover up where your heart truly is. My conviction in this is that, considering that Jesus looks at the heart, using a righteous cover up is as bad as not covering it up at all because the heart is still in the same condition.

We can only cover up rottenness for so long before the heart truly explodes through the mouth. And that, my friends, is not lovely. 1 Peter 3:4 is a call to focus on making your soul beautiful. Satan is the father of lies and that’s why it is crucial to put on the belt the truth (Ephesians 6) to gird yourself against him. So don’t make it up, make it real and make it who you are. Letting your adorning be from the beauty of your heart means giving God the reigns. The heart of your soul adorns you one way or another so let’s be adorned in gentle, quiet beauty. The moment you begin to see how beautiful Christ is in you is the moment your outwardly focused insecurities seem to fade away as well. Satan does not deserve to win through our lies of covering up our Jesus-less-ness with made up Jesus-ness, so I encourage you to dive into Jesus so much so that the true adorning is of Him… no exaggerations.